i see myself disappearing;
but disappearing would imply i was even there to begin with
as far back as my mind remembers i felt like this
and before i felt ashamed of it i took it in stride-
the feeling of constantly living in your own mind
never being where you are; always searching for a home
that emptiness raised me, and made me myself…
now i’m alone now-i can hardly describe it
it took root early and blooms now, surrounding my flesh and bones
constricting my lungs, a heaviness settling on my chest
a constant reminder of who i’ve grown into being
i spent my childhood with a constant wish to be somewhere else
somewhere where i wouldn't feel constantly alone
all the time i feel like everything around me is strange, dreamlike,
like i'm disconnected-everything is a mirage
if i died today, any semblance of my soul would die as well
i would stay crystallized in my cocoon
i would never blossom, and i would want it that way
anything i could give to the world was given already
all the anger inside of me would be no use for anything
where can i go but down?
i stare at my reflection in glass, and that isn't me
it never will be
march 5, 2024
“But I wasn't crying because I was sad. I guess I was crying because we had nowhere else to go,
no choice but to go on living in this world.
Crying because we had no other world to choose,
and crying at everything before us, everything around us.”
//
"I began to draw an invisible boundary between myself and other people.
No matter who I was dealing with. I maintained a set distance,
carefully monitoring the person's attitude so that they wouldn't get any closer.
I didn't easily swallow what other people told me. My only passions were books and music."
march 15, 2024
i can feel the waves around me,
constand ennui stretches my days, the constant ticking of clocks-ringing my ears
i'm not a whole person and i never will be in this life
pieces of me shriveled and died a long time ago
i visit these in my fevered dreams
march 18, 2024
in my dreams i see more clearly than in reality…
i can feel what little love left in me fade away-its clinging grasp letting go finally
there has to be something more than this-more than what is in front of me
nothing but desolation and empty wish fulfillment
always searching to fill my bare soul-trying to ignite a connection i cant have in life…
i know inside what i must do-but im afraid…
i grasp cold hands and pray for courage to finally do what i have been yearning for so long now…
years..
and years…
and years…
and yet i would do it all over again-just for the chance to discover him again
all the solitude and isolation…
everytime i dug fingers into my ribs trying bruise skin-pain equating to reality
like it was something i deserved
to take away the pain of life-i know who can save me
i see the other side…
fate unfurling like a spiral and i can see the end…
i feel pure bliss-like pale sunshine on my flesh
and fate is my only master
march 25, 2024
i'm so fucking tired
i’m frozen in place, immobilized by some force i can't see
when all I want is to go somewhere else and be where I'm supposed to be
i think I used to have a voice
now it never sounds
i can't remember how this got started
but I can see exactly how it will end
…
i feel so disconnected from my surroundings,
like i'm not even really there,
i can't tell what’s real and what isn't
